Aug 13, 2010

The Pull of Neurosis...

Challenging week this week. Between kid-stuff, and home-stuff, and nerd-work stuff, it adds up to worlds colliding. I am really feeling the pull between family and work...I've been working on a project and was hoping to finish up a big part of it this week. Until it went all hinky on me. I panicked a little, and then called in for help, and more or less determined that I need to start over, and it will be slow work, and I won't finish this week like I was hoping.

At first I was freaking out because I felt like I was letting everyone down. But they've been able to work the problem from their end, from a completely different approach than I've been using, and will have what they need in time for next week. A big part of me is way relieved. My insecure parts come out, though, and I think "Geez, they don't even need me," and I get all neurotic.

The thing about engineering is that it's all about solving problems. All of us are always learning and figuring out new things. The bigger picture is that, with several people working together, problems get solved, but at the same time it can be easy to feel sad & small when you are doing your best and it still isn't as good as someone else's solution.

Plus I am an expert in guilt, so I manage to paint myself into a little guilt-box, where I feel guilty no matter what. While I am working I feel guilty about not being with my kids. While I'm with my kids I feel guilty about not working. When I call for (and receive) help I feel guilty about not being able to solve my problems on my own.

I'm really pretty neurotic at the moment, I guess...

3 comments:

prochaskas said...

I relate.

linda t said...

I feel guilty if I'm not feeling guilty.

Smiller said...

Love you, in or out of neurosis.