Jan 2, 2012

Happy Friggin' New Year...

So, it's the New Year.

I didn't make any resolutions. I figured giving birth and relocating, all while working my tushy off to preserve personal sanity, will be more than enough challenge for the year.

I'm also very, um, dry lately, as far as humor and overall outlook. I'm not mad, or sad, or ungrateful, or anything like that. At least I don't think so. Just ultra-practical, let's say, when it comes to the emotional state of my world. Like most pregnant ladies, I tear up fairly easily, so maybe I'm subconsciously compensating for wanting to cry at inspirational "Parks & Recreation" episodes or something (Or maybe the Christmas episode was just that inspirational; who knows).

I've compartmentalized myself into three categories: Awesome Skerrib, Regular Skerrib, and Depressed Skerrib. Awesome Skerrib is, by most standards, the awesomest of the three. I almost called this one Medicated Skerrib, but I still have an internal stigma about mentioning the meds, so Awesome Skerrib it is. Awesome Skerrib isn't exactly high-capacity, but is fairly effective at keeping up with her life. She is what some would call Zen--she can roll with the punches and isn't fazed by much. In fact, she could probably stand to be a little more fazed sometimes. She's also pretty cheerful most of the time, and has days where she's almost bouncy with gratitude and happy feelings because she appreciates her life.

Regular Skerrib (ie Unmedicated) is not quite as awesome as Awesome Skerrib, but does alright. She's a little melancholy overall, which isn't bad or detrimental most of the time, it's just her personality. She probably comes across as more aloof, but doesn't mean to. Still grateful and appreciative of life, just less demonstrative about the whole thing. Regular Skerrib can't handle quite as much as Awesome Skerrib; she has to be more careful about monitoring her energy levels because her anxiety is more easily triggered, thereby sucking her energy, which can send her spiraling toward Depressed Skerrib. She has to get clarification more often, especially with regard to social interactions and personal conversations, because it's easy to read things between the lines that aren't there, so she has to make sure, 'cuz otherwise she'll be up half the night worrying about stupid things, which will suck her energy, etc., etc., etc. Basically, Regular Skerrib has to put a little more effort into her life--not that there's anything wrong with that--and consequently needs to be deliberate about also getting rest and down-time. And she's a bit of a sleep-Nazi.

Depressed Skerrib is a sad puddle of goo. She is pretty sure there is an actual cloud over her head, directing those around her to be judgemental, if not directly unkind or at least insensitive. So she's just a tad defensive a lot of the time. She's exhausted all the time, but also gets insomnia a lot, and has a physical feeling of sadness and doom that's connected to the cloud. Most social interaction seriously tires her out. Big groups give her the deer-in-the-headlights look. She has a really hard time keeping up with her life each day, to the point that she has a hard time summoning the gumption for things like getting dressed or preparing meals. There's nothing so horrible going on in her actual circumstances as to induce these feelings, and she knows it, but somehow she can't kick herself out of the rut. Which makes her feel worse. Depressed Skerrib needs help.

These days I'm mostly Regular Skerrib, but as I described above I have to be super-careful about slipping into Depressed Skerrib. Most of my days are fairly decent, and I'm pretty good at recognizing the bad days. Which is important, because those are early-to-bed days, which helps immensely. I go back & forth about wanting to be Awesome Skerrib, but lamenting that Awesome Skerrib is chemically induced (enhanced?), so there's a little ambivalence about that. Then again, we take things like ibuprofen to enhance us when we're in pain, or insulin to enhance us when our pancreas doesn't work right, so isn't keeping one's brain chemicals in balance similar? It's kind of like in the movie "Limitless," where the guy took the super-drug and was almost super-human, but then which was his real self? Was he becoming something false, or just realizing his potential?

And there's also a good bit to be said about the skills and emotional healing I've gained over the years--I'm most definitely able to remain Regular Skerrib way more often than I was 10 years ago. The way I see it is that, for me anyway, the meds clear my head enough so that I've been able to learn how to stay sane better overall. So there's that.

There's also something to be said about the journey of it all. I was talking with the Good Reverend's wife (and STILL wish it could've been a longer convo 'cuz she's fantastic) about how there are a lot of worthy aspects about the highs and lows of "regular" life. Awesome Skerrib is by far the easiest in terms of effort, but there's a richness to Regular Skerrib that Awesome Skerrib just doesn't have (again, not that that's bad; it's just different). Awesome Skerrib sometimes has to "just trust" God's presence more often because she doesn't always feel it, while Regular Skerrib has to lean into God's presence way more, because on the bad days, even with positive self-talk and reasoning and friends to talk her down, the assurance of God being there right next to her and caring about her is very often the only thing that makes it worth the effort.

Unfortunately, Regular Skerrib is often less skilled with thinking up clever ways to end blog posts, and so says lame stuff like "Speaking of sleep-Nazis, it's time to unplug and unwind..."

My apologies for that part. Awesome Skerrib would think of something way more clever...