Friday Confessional...

I have decided that I'm an information junkie.

I'd like to blame having Facebook on my phone. Anytime I think I'll "just check" to see what's going on, I end up lingering, and before I know it a half hour has passed. Maybe if I take Facebook off my phone...

Except that before I had a smartphone I had my computer, and I would just sit down there. So maybe it's the fault of Facebook period. Stupid wall. I mean, there are friends I keep up with, but a lot of the time I ask myself if I'm truly being a friend to all these acquaintances, or just being voyeuristic in a socially acceptable way.  Maybe if I get off Facebook altogether...

Except that when I'm not on Facebook I like to watch TED talks, and I just found some podcasts I really enjoy. And before Facebook I would sit and read blogs, and comment on blogs, and get into all sorts of important-sounding-but-ultimately-pointless discussions. Now I still read blogs, but I (like to think I) am a little more intentional about which ones I keep up with.  Maybe if I give up all blogs...

Except that before blogs I had favorite websites I would visit. I would read the AZ Republic online, especially the comics. I would visit Homestar Runner (which, incidentally, I heard might be coming back with new material?!) and other sites. Maybe if I stay off computers except for work- and home-related stuff...

Except that before computers I still read magazines. And books. And the actual newspaper (when we had a subscription a zillion years ago). And the backs of toothpaste tubes. And pretty much whatever I could find.

I like reading stuff, and learning stuff. I like knowing things from a lot of angles. It makes it harder to find my own, solid-line opinion sometimes, but I'm finding I don't mind that so much. Sometimes it feels freeing to let go of having to decide for sure and just "live in the tension," as my pastor says. So basically, I've always been an information junkie.

Now of course there's a downside to this, and that is that I have a hard time turning it off, this need to take in information. Sometimes info piles up and instead of processing and letting it go, things get a little tangled. Sometimes I get a little mindless, like a little outwardly-calm-but-crazed animal in search of a meal. Must read must read must read. It might sound weird, but I wonder if this is its own form of gluttony. Overconsumption of info.

It's tricky because it's not visible. And it sounds very smart and noble to say "Oh, I read a lot." But I have my days where my mind is racing and I'm puttering around the house and can't focus well, and I fight an urge to go pick up my phone (or a book, or magazine, or...) and read or watch something. I can sense in myself a general unease, but it's hard to break the pull of information. And I don't know that it does justice to the things I do read, you know? Like if I sit down and inhale an entire cream pie (yum, cream pie...), I don't enjoy it as much as if I have a slice, and eat it slowly, really tasting each bite (not to mention the greater ease of digesting a slice. Or two). If I'm just reading reading reading, I don't get a chance to mull over what I've read.

One could argue that it's a case of having too much time on my hands, but I'm not sure how much I agree with that. I've had seasons of calm and seasons of busy, and somehow this need for info is always there.

There have been times where I've been forced to stop taking in information, and you know what happened? I calmed down a little. I got a little more meditative in my thoughts, instead of racing around finding more info to consume. I was better able to focus on the moment; as my therapist says, to train my observational self, rather than my thinking self (whom we've determined gets a little anxious).

So I'm really mulling over how to chill out a little. I'm trying to work in more actual writing time, away from the computer. Nothing profound; mostly lists and daily records, with a few notes or letters thrown in. Our church started a series on the book of 1 Peter, so I'm thinking instead of flitting about from article to article (and comment threads, God help us all), I could come back to that as needed, sort of like a healthy snack. I have a stack of paper books that I'm working my way through (I'll never give up paper, no way), and in general I only read them at nighttime, and recently I've been transitioning to a one-book-at-a-time rule; I think that actually helps me moderate pretty well.

I read an article somewhere about being a producer, rather than just a consumer. It was written in the context of creativity. Like, how it's easy to read stuff, and look at nice art and things like that. It's much harder to produce something of your own, but it's also more valuable because then you are contributing to creativity and art and whatnot.

It's not all that different from running. I love to talk about running, but as I've been training for my upcoming race, I feel like more of a producer. I haven't even done any official races, but somehow I feel more a part of the running community (and also, you know, the stuff about burning more calories is nice...).

So it is with information, I think. I love to read. I love to look stuff up on the internet and learn to use resources and stuff. But instead of just getting my thinking self all amped up, I love the idea of making something and contributing my own little piece to the community, and giving my thoughts the time to form connections and ideas, rather than just buzzing in and out and around and to and fro. I think it's worth the effort to "burn" through thoughts and ideas so they don't get all stopped up.

It's hard because it's work, but I think it's valuable...