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Dear Low Side Ponytail: Thank you for being so practical that I can wear you for most anything, yet just different enough to turn my most boring lack of hairstyle into something passing as an actual thing. Thank you for being in fashion while my hair is at its longest. Sincerely, Skerrib.
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Dear Polycarbonate Drum Enclosure: I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I understand your purpose, what with making older folks more comfortable in a contemporary worship setting, and making it easier to control the sound mix in historically acoustically drum-unfavorable church buildings. But you separate me from the rest of the band, making me feel like a child in the naughty corner who couldn't control herself. You make me rely on (admittedly, really cool) technology to stay with everyone else, instead of finding the groove, watching foot taps, and using my musicianship to control things like dynamics and stuff. I like to think I am professional enough to work productively with you, but your only redeeming quality is that you hide me just enough so I don't feel like everyone is staring at me, which keeps me from being self-conscious. But I would trade that to sit alongside the rest of the band in a low-profile position, which I haven't done much of since 2008. I'm pretty sure you make God sad, and I hope you burn in the apocalypse. Sincerely, Skerrib.
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Dear Smiley Diary from Korea: Thank you for providing the perfect mix of practicality and whimsy. I love your colors, your mix of monthly and daily planning pages, your markings with the teeny number-people, your stickers even though I don't know what to do with most of them, and your sweet little positive sayings that brighten my days, even when my children climb the pantry shelves and strew oatmeal through the entire kitchen. I look forward to my planning time every day. Mostly. Sincerely, Skerrib.
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Dear Tiger's Blood: Thank you for becoming slightly more mainstream, so that now only 57% of my friends look at me like I've grown a third head when I talk about how fantastic you are, where it used to be pretty much everyone who thought I was making things up. I loved your cherry/coconut flavor in those fundraiser lollipops in high school, but I love you even more in Italian and shave ice. Always and Forever, Skerrib.
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Dear Teen Titans Go: You are such a weird cartoon. So, so weird. Like, why do you have Robin along with all these other no-name teen heroes? It is so random and nonsensical. But when I sit with His Highness and watch you, it turns out you are pretty witty after all, and your humor translates to older (albeit slightly warped) audiences. Thank you for letting me relate to my oldest kid, yo. Sincerely, Skerrib.
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Dear Buddies Film Franchise: It turns out you are not pretty witty after all, and your humor does not translate to older audiences. Your only redeeming quality (other than the fact that my kids like you) is somehow procuring a few fairly-famous names, preventing me from poking my own eyeballs out by providing me with a fun guessing game when I hear a familiar voice emanating from a clothed animal. And I think, "I sure hope they got a good paycheck for this job." As for the lesser-known and/or less skilled actors, I think "They sure were lucky to work with those other folks." And as I am not an actor, let's keep it at that. Sincerely, Skerrib.
Seven is a good start. What would you write notes to, and what would you say??
Dear Amazon,
ReplyDeleteI'd take it to the next level, but we are there, sweet pumpkin. Thank you.
Love, The One Who Keeps UPS In Business And The Neighborhood Talking
Look at you--idea to execution in under 24 hours : )
ReplyDeleteHeck yes--thanks for the inspiration :)
DeleteDear Little Casear's Pizza, Your cheap and easy pizzas might need additional warnings. If my hair dryer can warn me from using it in the tub then perhaps your pizza's should warn me they are like filthy whores. Luring people in with promises of being cheap and easy but delivering in such a way that I leave with a terrible taste in my mouth and now wonder if I should be tested for a disease.
ReplyDeleteSincerely, A stupid John.