Overthinking In the New Year...

...I keep having thoughts.  Lots and lots of thoughts. Serious overthinking, I'm thinking.  But everytime I go to sort them out somehow, my over-perspective kicks in and I end up thinking myself into a corner before I can get a word or opinion in edgewise. I've been mulling lately about my over-perspective.  A while back I started trying to write about it.  It's as though I have a second person in my head who constantly challenges, goads, and provokes my thoughts.  I've been trying to come up with a term for it/her.  Anne Lamott described something similar and called hers "Bad Mind," which comes really close to perfect for me...except that it's not always trying to bring me down. On purpose, anyway.  She's just always contrary to my first thought. No matter what it is:

I think, "I need to do some connecting with people. I've been isolating too much lately."  Contrary Kerri says, "Careful! Don't exhaust yourself. Plus, they may not understand you, or you might do it wrong, this business of connecting and building relationships."

Or I think, "I'm exhausted; I need some cave time" [a term by a fellow-introvert friend whom I relate to more & more these days]. Contrary Kerri says, "Careful! Don't burrow into your hole too far.  And what if you miss something? You need to be aware when people are reaching out to you in kindness."

I let the boys have cookies for breakfast. Contrary Kerri says "Are you sure that's OK? I mean, they need structure, and they certainly aren't going to learn to eat healthy on their own. Plus they're way grumpy lately, which won't be helped by more sugar."

I say to the boys, "You have had cookies for breakfast. You need to eat some fruit next." Contrary Kerri says, "Are you sure you need to put such a harsh restriction on them? I mean, it's just cookies, and what if they get malnourished from not eating the fruit? Are you sure you're not just being controlling?"

Acutally, now that I see the words in print, Contrary Kerri is kind of ridiculous. And a bit of a jerk. 

The tricky part to this, though, is that sometimes Contrary Kerri offers a more balanced/gentle view. She softens my opinions and reminds me that most people just want to live their lives and be loved.  They might lash out in horrible ways, but underneath just want to be heard.  Sometimes Contrary Kerri talks me down.  So it's a tricky thing, discerning if Contrary Kerri is being helpful or harmful...

...Regarding politics, religion, and the vitriol that often accompanies such discussions, another friend of mine said something to this effect: "Opinion without relationship will cause conflict and misunderstanding every time."  I thought that was brilliant.  Back in our Young Marrieds days at the home church in AZ, our leaders invited us one day to share some sort of thought or opinion that could be considered controversial, or might "cause concern" among churchy types. We'd been getting to know each other and had established a level of trust where we felt reasonably sure it wasn't a set-up.  I only remember a couple answers--I mentioned that I believe pets go to heaven. Someone else said she was contemplating the meaning of the Catholic communion, with the bread and wine actually becoming Jesus's body and blood, etc.  Anyway, it matters less what was said, than that we were learning how to have a safe place to share more of ourselves, without fear of being confronted, contradicted, or "educated." We had space to listen, to disagree (or not) without feeling threatened, and to be friends. I thought it was a beautiful time...

...I've been conscious over the past while (several months? years?) about not speaking in speeches.  And by this I mean, for example, that if the Cat Daddy hurts my feelings, I have a tendency to go on a rant where I make overarching generalizations about how people should treat those they love, and how I've been wronged on so many levels and maybe something spiritual about loving Jesus more. Over the years I've learned to ramp it down a few (hundred) notches and maybe instead say, "That hurt my feelings, I'd rather you say it in such-and-such way."  Addressing the issue at hand, and all.  We seem to get along a whole lot better now, but the downside is that my speech-making skills are a little rusty, and every so often I have to step back and think something through because I haven't put in the time forming a diatribe about it ahead of time.  So I don't post extemporaneous blog comments on hot-button issues the way I used to... 

...In a similar vein, one of the things I tend to do, when hearing an opinion different than mine, is to immediately counter with my own opinion, and why I feel that way, and so on.  I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with this--it's an exchange of opinion after all--and in my experience it usually stays friendly, but can bring a little tension and soon both parties are trying to be done with that topic and move on, rather than staying in the moment and maybe really learning something from/about each other.  If I can catch myself sometime, I want to instead say, "Now that's totally different than I would think; tell me more about why you think that."  I like that idea because it doesn't give any false pretenses that I agree when I don't, but it keeps things way more open to discussion and understanding...

...Being neck-deep in early childhood has given me lots of time to think about my influence on those around me.  I often wonder, what with tending to kids, and also moving around a lot, what God might have in store for me big-picture-wise.  Like most (all?) of us I hope to say things that are important and meaningful. Things that will influence those around me, and not in a "Holy-crap-what-a-trainwreck" sort of way.  I'll think about people who have written books based on controversial issues and, particularly given what I wrote above, I doubt I'll be in that crowd.  I'll think about people who share about how-to things, like sewing, or couponing, or skillsy things...stuff I love to learn about and dabble in, but not enough to become an expert on (except the couponing--it just stresses me out so I avoid it completely).  I'll think about doing lots of things but oh-my-goodness by the time I do my have-to's I just need a little time to stare at the wall, for heaven's sake.  That's all to say I haven't received any profound visions or figured anything out... 

...But I'm happy to have an hour (in which I kicked everyone out of the house in the 43 degree weather, and the baby will be fine, dangit) to get some thoughts out, and I know at least some of you are right there with me, so let us take a breath together and know that God knows right where we are, and He hasn't forgotten us, and is very likely delighting in watching us as we love our families, or keep going even through hard things, or take that big chance and trust Him with the results.  Let's look forward with hope for what is to come this year. 

Happy New Year, friends...